Revelations from Bernie Sanders’ Estate
by Gus Donohoo
We entered the grounds of Sanders' manor and used bribery, phone hacks, and intimidation to uncover the Help's deepest secrets.*
THE GARDENER
WALTER VAN BEIRENDONCK hat.
EMPLOYED: Six years
PRIMARY ROLE: “To keep the lawns green and the hedges trimmed”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “Just between us, when Bernie throws parties, he insists on everyone entering the Estate from the rear of the property. He calls it ‘backdoor socializing.' They tramp across the lawn and all the foot-traffic’s been hellish on my petunias.”
When the allegations were put to Mr. Sanders he replied: “In Vermont, everybody knows that I am a socializer. And as often as not—and this is an interesting point that is the honest-to-God truth—what people will say is, ‘I don’t really know what socializing is, but if you’re not a Democrat or a Republican, you’re okay with me.’ That’s true.”
THE CHAUFFEUR
TOM FORD suede jacket, trousers, and shoes.
EMPLOYED: Four years
PRIMARY ROLE: “Driving Mr. Sanders around on weekends”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “If I’m honest with you, Bernie insists on getting buses or cycling everywhere so he doesn’t really spend much time in the car, but I do tend to be really busy on his days off. He likes me to drive him up and down the street in front of the Estate so he can shout obscenities at the wall. He really seems to hate it.”
Mr. Sanders replied enthusiastically to this accusation: “The greed, the recklessness, and the illegal behavior of that wall drove our economy to its knees!”
THE IT GUY
LANVIN jacket, vest, top, trousers, shoes, and belt.
EMPLOYED: Nine months
PRIMARY ROLE: “Maintain the computer system to a sufficient standard for playing Minesweeper”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “You didn’t hear this from me, but when I was deleting Top Secret emails off of Bernie’s personal server, I found the original script for 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi.”
Mr. Sanders was reluctant to discuss the matter, but when pressed for comment, he replied: “I think the American people are sick and tired of hearing about those damn emails!”
THE BODYGUARD
VETEMENTS oversized sequin dress and choker.
EMPLOYED: Four weeks
PRIMARY ROLE: “Kicking people out of the way when I have to carry him out of the Karaoke bar”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “I’ve been acting pretty professional around Bernie—searching under his car for bombs, occasionally making him run to the front door for no particular reason—but truthfully this is my first gig as a bodyguard. I used to sell car stereos, but then the Secret Service recruited me from my spin class at 24 Hour Fitness. I guess they figure that with glutes like these, I can protect anyone.”
Mr. Sanders acknowledged: “I have other attributes. Carrying a tune is not one of them.”
THE MAID
SIMONE ROCHA dress.
EMPLOYED: 15 years
PRIMARY ROLE: “Bernie’s so clean that I don’t really do much”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “You’re asking me to tell you Bernie’s dirty secrets, but I have to look after my job. Ok, I’ll tell you one thing—for years the middle floor of the house has been collapsing under the weight of a giant golden statue the previous owners left at the top of the manor. Bernie loathes the statue, but he, the Chauffeur, and the Pool Boy don’t have the collective muscle to shift it and sell it at the flea market.”
Mr. Sanders was combative about the need to move the statue and repair the house: “You have to bring people together who may not agree on every issue but who understand that the middle floor is collapsing and we are moving toward an oligarchic form of society, where the statue will control the economy and the political life of this country.”
THE NANNY
GUCCI bomber jacket, sleeveless bow top, and skirt.
EMPLOYED: Two years
PRIMARY ROLE: “Minding the grandkids”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “Do I know any secrets? Well I have found it quite weird the way that Bernie makes all of his grandchildren dress in grey pajamas— strictly no color, and not soft cotton either. A lot of people want to criticize him for trying to make this a nanny estate.”
When we cornered Mr. Sanders his reply was terse: “People want to criticize me, fine. I believe that every kid in this country who has the ability and the desire should be able to get a pair of pajamas regardless of the income of his family.”
THE POOL BOY
CRAIG GREEN top and pants.
EMPLOYED: Nine months
PRIMARY ROLE: “Keeping the leaves out”
SECRET OF EMPLOYMENT: “Bernie’s a pretty tough client just between you and me, I work during the day in the height of summer, and Bernie insists that I work with my shirt off. He says he wants me to feel the burn. I think the guy’s crazy.”
Mr. Sanders was unapologetic: “A job should lift workers out of poverty and pastiness, not keep them in it.”
†
* Flaunt rejected 1% of gags for this feature
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