Consideration | BTL SRVC XXXIV

Dani Leder. “Baby Brain” (2022). Primed and carved high density foam, oil, acrylic, aluminum leaf, sizing, adhesive print. 42” x 34”.  Courtesy of Harkawik Gallery.

The past held consistencies. We lived in the same neighborhood, in the same house, with the same phone number, and the same six-pound rotary dial phone. 

When I turned 11, my parents decided I was old enough to stay at home by myself; after all, they had horses to bet on and cocktails to drink. Usually starting on Thursdays, I would get home from school and there would be a note on the dining room table, ëHad to go to Montreal, Highland Lady is racing in the fourth tonight. Back tomorrow, Saturday at the latest, thereís $50 under the bellí. 

Pizza was ordered and television watched. The house was old, very old; late 17th century old, it was a brothel when the backyard opened up onto a tributary of the Hudson that was rerouted in the 1930s, leaving the ladies literally high and dry. It was drafty and could be freezing in the winter, but there was a fireplace in every room and it could be awfully cozy.

As puberty had yet to hit, my number one passion was horror movies. I read Fangoria religiously and on weekends went to sold out quadruple feature schlock horror marathons at the Palace with the fervor of Coachella acolytes. So staying home alone had detrimental effects on a young lad with a bloody imagination. When, lying sleepless in bed I was finally convinced that they were in the house and coming to get me, I had a sure fire ritual. I snuck out of bed, went downstairs to the living room grabbing the judgeís gavel off the mantelpiece and crept into the hallway to the phone. 

Then I dialed my imaginary friends, Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, and engaged in a one sided conversation. I Love Lucy was still wildly popular in reruns and famously they had a real phone number, Murray Hill 5-9975, that New York Bell had given them during the showís original run. You dialed, it rang four times, and then silence. The silence was my cue to talk to Rick, who had just been released from the mental institution and was heading over in about 10 minutes, or Doctor Gold, who agreed to bring the garlic and the wooden stakes right away, or Pete, who did have a few silver bullets left and was loading them into his pistol as we spoke. 

Finally, convinced I had scared the baddies off, I could go back to bed with a cleared head. If I felt there was still a need to put a further scare into whoever was lurking, I would then dial Meridian 1212, and while listening to ëAt the Tone the time will be eleven thirty twoí I would instruct Rocco to also come over and bring his knives. That would always ensure a good nightís sleepóand if someone really did attack, I could beat him or her to death with the phone.

I have carried this tactic into the 21st Century. I have no idea if anybody else does this, but when things go awry, I take to the streets and have imaginary phone conversations as I traverse along. ëI swear to God Rocco, if you donít have the money by Monday, Rick is going to take a fingerí. Thatís in response to Fiona eating the last slice of Tarte Tatin I squirrelled away in the back of the fridge. 

ëHey Monty, you still havenít made the delivery and weíre all getting upset. How about I send Doctor Gold over to take a kidney as leverage?í  That was when Peter gave my Netflix password to his new ëfriendí and I couldnít watch Kill La Kill when I got into bed. Iím not going to apologize, I like to fall asleep watching anime. And I think a lot of you have loud, public, one-sided phone calls to get out the frustrations of having to be alive in 2022. People do you wrong and obviously you canít confront them in person, that would be weird. So you take your frustrations out by having anonymous NPCs whacked or maimed or threatened. Makes perfect sense to me and I always feel a lot better when I hang up, especially if there is someone eavesdropping who breathlessly reports to her friend that I just threatened to tear out Jimmyís thorax if he didnít have the money by noon. That is a great day.