BOTTLE SERVICES: Include me out

EXT. NOVEMBER 1912 — NIGHT

A storm rages in the Adirondacks. Sleet and freezing rain pelt a large house. The lights inside flicker as a terrified bear cub searches for a safe place to wait out the tempest.

INT. THE STUDY — NIGHT

A man throws his cigar into the fireplace. He turns and is revealed to be William Howard Taft, the 31st President of the United States. He is with his old confidant Ricky LeJambon.

TAFT

Dammit Ricky, this is unacceptable.

RICKY

It hasn’t turned to snow.

TAFT

I’m not talking about the blasted weather and you know it. It’s Roosevelt. He stabbed me in the back.

RICKY

That proverbial ship has sailed Billy. The people have spoken.

TAFT

Damn the people, a bunch of heifers waiting for the slaughter. And the slaughter is coming quicker than they realize. The Kaiser is up to no good and Wilson is going to walk us right into the abattoir.

RICKY

Is there something specific you want me to do about it?

TAFT

Let’s have a drink.

Taft goes to his desk, presses a hidden button and the side opens revealing a small well stocked bar. He pulls out a bottle.

TAFT

It’s an Oloroso. 1775, found it in the Crimea. Think of it. A year before the Declaration was signed and we toast now as the Republic is on the brink of destruction.

He pours and they clink glasses.

TAFT
To the end of the world as we know it. Unless...

RICKY

There’s always an ‘unless’ with you.

TAFT

Unless you kill Wilson.

RICKY

This is a fine sherry. It has aged exceptionally well.

TAFT

That’s all you have to say?

RICKY

You want me to kill the President of the United States?

TAFT

He is not the President of the Goddamned United States. I am the President of the United States. We are 14 years away from the 150th anniversary of this great experiment and I have grave doubts if we will see that day with Wilson at the helm.

Taft drops to one knee.

RICKY

You know Napoleon carried a cask of this sherry into the battle of Borodino. Some historians claim that he drank so much of it that he passed out before ordering his Imperial Guard to attack the Russian’s flank.

Taft has now fallen to the floor, he struggles to breathe.

Don’t worry, Mr. President. You’re not dying. And I’m not killing your replacement. The world will continue to spin.

Ricky goes to the desk, grabs the Sherry and heads for the door.

Thanks for the drink.

 CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM — UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO, 1970

A group of engineers sit at a large table pouring over papers. A man writes a complicated equation on a chalkboard. Ricky enters the room carrying the Sherry and some paper cups.

ENGINEER 1

Ricky, just in time. It’s big, really big.

ENGINEER 2

Apollo. You know the story.

RICKY

Try this Oloroso. It’ll be 200 years old in 75 and still has all its structure.

He sets the paper cups on the table and pours.

ENGINEER 3

We need to figure out how to separate the Lunar Module from the Control Module right before re-entry.

RICKY

You suppress the yeast through fortification at a much earlier stage than you would for Amontillado.

ENGINEER 1

So you’re saying suppression?

RICKY

Slainge.

Everyone drinks.

RICKY

What kind of time frame are you under?

ENGINEER 2

We’ve got about six hours.

RICKY

Lot of pressure.

ENGINEER 1

Thanks for reminding us.

RICKY

Immense pressure.

ENGINEER 3

Jesus Ricky cut us some slack would you?

ENGINEER 1

Hang on a second. Pressure that’s it!

ENGINEER 2

What?

ENGINEER 1

We can blow them apart by generating air pressure.

ENGINEER 3

But how much?

ENGINEER 2

Ricky?

They look around, but Ricky has vanished. They raise their cups and toast.

A graphic appears on the bottom of the screen.

‘The Engineers figured out the exact air pressure and Apollo 13 safely returned to Earth.’

CUT TO: EXT. THE YEAR 2274 AT THE FEDERATION OF CALIFORNIA AND BAJA AIRBASE 1 — DAY

A floating city, a thousand feet above the heavily polluted planet.

INT. THE GREAT HALL — DAY

President Clinton-Lopez sits alone in the Great Hall. Ricky enters still carrying the bottle. She is an attractive woman, half human half cyber.

LOPEZ

Ricky, where the hell have you been?

RICKY

Around.

LOPEZ

Pour me some of that. We are at double crimson elevated.

RICKY

Texas again?

Lopez toasts Ricky and drinks.

LOPEZ
Yes, the Great Union of Texas and the South are rattling their sabres. That is delicious.

RICKY

500th birthday next year. Oloroso ages amazingly well. Like you.

LOPEZ

Come to the Orgasmatron with me later.

RICKY

So what do they want?

LOPEZ

The usual. They broke away from the Federations proclaiming themselves the awesomest, but down the road realized they were just a bunch of lazy gabachos who only thrived by sucking the tits of others.

RICKY

Like you said, the usual.

LOPEZ

Except this time they’ve gone all in. They used the last of their cylenium to buy a proton missile from the Dragons.

RICKY

Jesus.

LOPEZ

Who?

RICKY

Something I heard a lot in the last few days. Does this look infected to you?

He rolls up his sleeve revealing a mass of swirling electric tattoos gyrating under his skin.

LOPEZ

Does it hurt?

RICKY

Not really.

LOPEZ

Then I’m sure it’s fine. Look we brought you here...

RICKY

No one brought me here. I go where I go.

LOPEZ

We need your special skills to diffuse this situation.

RICKY

Skills?

LOPEZ

A quick visit. In and out. Assess the threat and take appropriate action.

He pours her another glass of Sherry. She drinks.

RICKY

You know, I have been almost everywhere. Every era, every continent.

Lopez begins to flicker, as if there is a crossed wire in her cyber half.

History has already been written, we’re just playing out the hand we were dealt millennia ago. You know what I believe in? I believe in this Sherry. Simple people took a grape and over time turned it into this. That is the only proof I need that there is a higher purpose than all this plotting and war and centuries of pain. If you were thinking I would help any of it, well, include me out.

The cyber half of Lopez has shut down. With her one good eye she scans the hall, but Ricky has gone.

---

Story originally appeared in the print edition: Flaunt 164 — The Inclusion Issue

Illustrations by Daryn Ray